DISMANTLING THE STATUTE OF PERSONAL LIMITATIONS
We were in flight mode from something to somewhere, Begoss, Kody and me. There were others with us. A small group. We had to climb up this impossible-looking vertical corner, which when we started (I was not in front!) proved to be of softish material a bit like spongy plastic, which allowed us to wedge ourselves into the corner at the same time as ascending somehow. In spite of my lack of faith in my own ability to do this, One was pushing from behind with a mixture of encouragement and command, which helped me to be not ruth in struggling inadequacy, but a purpose driven being, doing what must be done.
Beyond the next level we journeyed on together, efforting to blend in somehow with who and what surroundings we found there. Faces, gestures, appearances all differed markedly from what used to be normal, thereby encouraging and enabling a loosening of identity with what was possible. Movement towards dismantling of the statute of interpersonal limitations. Carved not in stone, but merely offered as temporary, transcendable guidelines.
Eventually the travelling troupe found ourselves on a windy mountain ledge, which was obviously very high up from the coldness of the air and the rareity of the atmosphere. Quite how dizzyingly high up was only revealed when the spindly bridge traversing the gaping chasm before us was confronted as a reality….no, not realistic at all! My mind and body shrank back from the very thought of stepping out onto this bridge. For it was not a bridge, it was merely two strands of wire stretching forth into space and presumably, logic reassured, connected with its further end tethered somewhere to the far mountain. Very far – it being a distant darker patch against the open expanse of nothing but sky and rather thin air. In between a tantalisingly motile bunch of misty clouds danced and writhed. Looking down, oh wow that was a big mistake – the sheer drop brought an instant stomach lurch and vertigo response, and my hands involuntarily shrank back to the cliff wall behind me, grasping as a baby monkey clings to its mother who is swinging through the trees. But it was not some natural climber lofting my bodily across; it had to be my own legs striding forth, eyes never below navel level, like the confident fool of tarot card depiction. Gulp. Hang on, it suddenly occurred to me, how would Begoss get across this non bridge? He could not walk along these two wires, they were too far apart, and he certainly could not balance upon one of the tightropes as his feet and physiology belied such a possibility. I am not going without him, came the inner decision, even as Another voiced the possibility of sacrificing him to the quest, that the rest of us might complete our traverse. Oh yes, and then when we need food further along, said a third, whom shall we eat, then? No, let us make ruth carry him on her shoulders across the ravine! Shoot, what if he struggles and disturbs my already tenuous balance? I shall require both hands firmly upon the waist level wires strung above the two walk wires to balance myself, so Begoss had better be very still and trusting, draped around my neck like a living foxfur.
My mouth is desert dry, and my shaking hands somehow work to counteract my quaking legs, as inevitability collided with impossibilty. The first three of us were well along in front, and the strung ropewires did not bow or sag or sway, so that was at least reassuring. All I had to do then, was ignore the focus upon anything which swirled around me and keep steadfast and resolutely single pointedly moving forward. Don’t stop even for a moment or you’ll freeze, an inner voice warned. Right, imagine it a done deal, the further cliff shore is in sight and you’re counting down the remaining steps betwixt you and it. Imagine yourself as at home and relaxed here as that person who stopped and fried an egg in the middle of a wire-walk strung between two tower blacks. Using the chair he had casually carried to sit upon whilst he did so. Then, as calmly arising; balancing chair and frying pan in opposing outstretched arms and smilingly continuing his walk. Imagine you are merely an actor, and this is a film set, with a reassuring but invisible glass floor. Ah that is SO much better, yes, I can convince myself that is so. Get on with it then, step on it, and it will be too late to change your mind. Come on, the One behind is clearly impatient, and implying that my reticence is transmitting to the others –must set a good, positive example. Bravery doesn’t come into it, for what is the difference between courage and conviction? Like faith and belief, there is no gap between them when the faith is real and the belief is genuine, right?
Right then, if I call one of these mountains faith and the other one belief…… but which is which…stop prevaricating it doesn’t matter its the same difference remember! Ok ok then, er, how about if one of my feet is faith and the other belief, and they know perfectly well how to walk in unity with one another without my conscious control. Indeed as with learning any motor skill, it is only when conscious control is superceded by automatic skill that any movement is perfected. Mmm so do I need to imagine I have been doing this all my life but temporary amnesia has concealed that memory from me? Act as if you know what you’re doing, fake it till you make it, that sort of thing? Ruth you’re still vying for time when you could already be on the other side had you not prevaricated. Just do it. OH my God I can’t believe that I’m………
BELIEVE believe “I believe/ mantra / prayer /positivity/ upliftment…..”
Am I actually out there walking or still shrinking back afraid? No, the wind all around me says this is the real deal, and I am actually tightrope walking, with a dog on my shoulders.
“ Chin up, Buttercup, you look lovely!” winked the angel who floated along beside me.