40 grand?


Allowing myself to embrace the scant potential of receiving a windfall backpayment of stolen pension, I’m considering what to use it for.
What is important to me, in the lifetime remaining? (Like many 50’s ladies I expected to retire at 60 but its been pushed on to 66 : so 2 years left to the big p day).

Travel? Yes. This had been curtailed, cancelled and cut off for so long. Incorporating art things? Sounds great! Possibly a string of residencies? Push the boat out and check out that expensive spiritual art course I saw somewhere once…

Live-inable vehicle? Lots to recommend this. Apart from my not having driven in 10 years.

what experiences remain on my bucket list?

Get a studio and USE it 😉

I don’t want to go to Oz to visit my daughter’s father who is dying.
He can’t cope with being reminded of what he did/didn’t do/damaged/lost. He knows that in spite of everything I have never stopped loving him, and has expressed zero interest in connecting let alone meeting. From 30 years ago its a mutual/separate closure thing, I suppose.

I don’t have any interest in seeing anyone from my past.
It feels like time to allow in fresh, inspired, creative energies – to allow them out too.

I don’t think Iona will have a child, so I don’t need to factor in being here for that. Relieved of grandma duty. Spared a second round of extreme anxiety and worry. Denied a second experience of awesome love, joy and innocence refound.
As long as thats truly her deepest wish, not fear concealed inadequacy. I must have told her that few people feel up to the parenting task, so to wait for the perfect time is cowardice. But as long as her life continues to be fulfilling, rich and meaningful that is what matters.

SO. Freedom dawns on the horizon. Far enough away that I don’t need to do a thing. Close enough that I can get excited about it. Nice space to be in.
Right here, having a pause after my first year at uni, and generating loads of ideas for the second year and beyond. Finding my artistic voice.

I think that to take a gap year when I’m retired is a great idea. This means I get to finish second and third years at uni. And possibly sign up to finishing 4 and 5 in one year? I’m studying an art degree part time, so its 2 days a week over 5 years. So by this time in 2021 I can be floating off somewhere.

I don’t want even a month to slide past, intend to be straight off somewhere.
Already without the discipline of uni this summer I’m slipping into doing notalot. No point beating myself up over it, I know I need encouragement since headbang to focus and complete anything.It feels great to be beginning some sort of escape plan after so long.

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