Ideals and actions

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When I was younger I was not more idealistic than I am now, I was just more hopeful of finding creative or psycho-spiritual or scientific solutions to the overwhelming problems it seemed to be my duty to expose myself to. Tearing away a peeling piece of wallpaper here, peeling back a puckered bandaid there. My empathy for the suffering around me enticed me down the medico-healer route. Slowly it became obvious that far from healing the wounds of the world I was in effect shoring up the weary warriors to enable them to continue being willing participants in the toxic destruction we were collectively duped into supporting.
Then what? Work on self, transform self not through egoism but because in that way, by becoming more aware of my involvement in the systems of corruption, the possibility of transcending them was offered. Rather than efforting to dismantle oppressions one individual or situation at a time, then realising the threads which tie the whole heaving weighty armour together, the notion of simply replacing the garment with a higher order of magnitude arose. A shirt of light no less. No need to discard and burn the pestilential shroud, but allow it to fall away like a spent rocket which fuelled us only so far.
That humanity is poised on the brink of a momentous shift is not merely my understanding of course; far sharper minds than mine have foretold this. My intuition says that struggling to awaken others from the denial, dragging them through the birthing tunnel of fear, has only been partially purposeful. It is both too blunt and too ponderous a process. Instead of attempting to inspire a willingness to embrace change, with encouraging noises like parents bombarding babies with noises so they speak their language of limitation, perhaps if I instead return to my own story?
The mind sky is murking up, the light is hiding, the birds have fallen asleep. My usual solace of song has been silenced as if a cosmic blast has paralysed sensibility. These are all personally portentous pointers. Taking my body up to the sea, flying in opacity, trusting in lucidity, opening to eternity.
This i does not know who will return from the journey, but unless words fail me a voice will share it hereafter.

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Ketosis

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Still straddling two dimensions and stretched to snapping point? It’s time to let go of the old limitations – including that of time. Whatever the caterpillar of Youness spent its energy doing must now switch over to the Butterfly of Being mode. I have been reading about the keto diet and how it requires the body to switch from carb-centric to fat-centric fuel for energy and cogitation. This strikes me as similar to prising our fearfingers off solidity and instead opening hands and heart to what is emerging as a simultaneity of becomingness. Otherwise we are frantically pressing our foot on both accelerator and brake and wondering why we’re spinning in vertiginous nausea. The key word here has to be Trust, doesn’t it. We have to trust the process, the wisdom, the plan which delivered us thus far. Even if it means abandoning belief that there ever was a plan = embracing chaos if you will. How can you ever retrieve all aspects of your wholeness without risking the releasing of part of the construct required to deliver us to this point?
Imagine one of those aquatic larvae which built a cave from meticulously gathered twigs and pebbles in order to feel safe moving along the sludgy bottom in search of food. He or she cannot fly up to the sky from that rigid encasement. If you’re thinking “oh its easy/natural/instinctive for them” then know that it is also easy, natural and instinctive for us too. Right here and now. Because our whole existence(s) has been preparation for this. Maybe if we stop imagining its something momentous and therefore scary, and instead embrace it as every bit as essential a transition as replacing baby teeth with adult ones, learning how to balance hormonal changes of adolescence or menopause, or yes, yielding to death with full consciousness.

Orange cat black cat grey world

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Moral relativity. Cat food. Dilemma. Some weeks ago I noticed a very unwell black cat hanging around my garden, unable to walk properly, very thin and with no hair on her back legs or rump. Rang Cats Protection, they came out a few times and failed to catch her. I gave her some of Begoss’ vegan dog food but she doesn’t like it. For now I’m continuing to feed the black cat and her ginger friend who appeared more recently, with ahem cheap commercial cat food I asked Jiff to buy for me from Lidl as I can’t afford £40 for a bag of vegan cat food. The Lidl is £2 for a smallish box. I keep it in the outdoors cupboard, technically not in the garden or the house, so its less of a psycho-emotional contamination of my little patch of Vegantopia. I don’t like not feeling 100% ethically congruent/correct, but feel the need to confess here that as a temporary emergency measure to save her life I paid for slaughterhouse byproducts 😦 She came to me, into my home, and Begoss tried chasing her out as he does all cats, but she sat on the shed roof gazing down at him, unfazed. She neither hissed nor flinched as he barked, which impressed me, and also told me she was desperate.

Anyway, that’s the state of things for now. I won’t let myself feel committed to caring for these mogz endlessly. Like any other relationship its not forever. In actual fact other neighbours have started feeding the black and ginger cats since I put a bed and water bowl out for them. So I’m weaning them off my support gently. Ginger had chased, cornered and terrified a mouse the other day, and luckily I managed to distract him whilst it got away. This was the final straw for me, reminding me of the hypocrisy of supporting unnatural predators. Also black cat’s fur has all grown back and she’s got a shine to it whereas it was dull before. So even though they call to me when I go out of my front door, I’m going to merely visually check they have fresh water and walk on by.

40 grand?

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Allowing myself to embrace the scant potential of receiving a windfall backpayment of stolen pension, I’m considering what to use it for.
What is important to me, in the lifetime remaining? (Like many 50’s ladies I expected to retire at 60 but its been pushed on to 66 : so 2 years left to the big p day).

Travel? Yes. This had been curtailed, cancelled and cut off for so long. Incorporating art things? Sounds great! Possibly a string of residencies? Push the boat out and check out that expensive spiritual art course I saw somewhere once…

Live-inable vehicle? Lots to recommend this. Apart from my not having driven in 10 years.

what experiences remain on my bucket list?

Get a studio and USE it 😉

I don’t want to go to Oz to visit my daughter’s father who is dying.
He can’t cope with being reminded of what he did/didn’t do/damaged/lost. He knows that in spite of everything I have never stopped loving him, and has expressed zero interest in connecting let alone meeting. From 30 years ago its a mutual/separate closure thing, I suppose.

I don’t have any interest in seeing anyone from my past.
It feels like time to allow in fresh, inspired, creative energies – to allow them out too.

I don’t think Iona will have a child, so I don’t need to factor in being here for that. Relieved of grandma duty. Spared a second round of extreme anxiety and worry. Denied a second experience of awesome love, joy and innocence refound.
As long as thats truly her deepest wish, not fear concealed inadequacy. I must have told her that few people feel up to the parenting task, so to wait for the perfect time is cowardice. But as long as her life continues to be fulfilling, rich and meaningful that is what matters.

SO. Freedom dawns on the horizon. Far enough away that I don’t need to do a thing. Close enough that I can get excited about it. Nice space to be in.
Right here, having a pause after my first year at uni, and generating loads of ideas for the second year and beyond. Finding my artistic voice.

I think that to take a gap year when I’m retired is a great idea. This means I get to finish second and third years at uni. And possibly sign up to finishing 4 and 5 in one year? I’m studying an art degree part time, so its 2 days a week over 5 years. So by this time in 2021 I can be floating off somewhere.

I don’t want even a month to slide past, intend to be straight off somewhere.
Already without the discipline of uni this summer I’m slipping into doing notalot. No point beating myself up over it, I know I need encouragement since headbang to focus and complete anything.It feels great to be beginning some sort of escape plan after so long.

Children’s Rights

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Children’s Rights?
Every child should be allowed to break a tooth on a bone shard, almost choke to death on a fishbone, bite into a rubbery gut filled hot dog, and experience gristle rash, steak constipation, and e. coli griping in the large intestine ?? Forcing well balanced plantarianism on them is a lesser form of abuse, surely? They have the rest of their lives to make their own informed food choices from the violence spectrum.

humancentricide

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Veganism is a radical act of consciousness, integrity, justice, compassion and peace, the antidote to a world of unconsciousness, corruption, injustice, violence and murder.
On a humancentric planet, where all other species, and the Earth which sustains us, are nothing more than a backdrop. Given no more worth or interest than the ground we walk on to get from one human obsessed experience to another, the animals have never been more tortured and abused on such a scale as they are now.
Veganism is Love, our duty of care, a demonstration of concern, an expression of compassion, a response to empathy, an outpicturing of higher vision, and the beginning of wisdom. Veganism is our evolution, our destiny, our hope and our faith.

capitalism created cancer

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Capitalising on human suffering, through the use of immense animal suffering in vivisection, is unethical vileness personified. How many people have you seen receive a cancer diagnosis, then die from the horrendous side effects of slash poison and burn “treatments”? And those wicked cancer charities using emotional blackmail and false hope to dupe trillions out of people disgust me. Most doctors are utterly brainwashed by drug pushers and know nothing about natural, nutritional, and alternative options.
Just reflect that the very same companies who have produced the worst cancer causing chemical compounds have also introduced these lethal “cures”. Its the modus operandi of Big Pharma and the Medico/Military/Meat Mafiosi.